Forbidden Thoughts
by JoleneB
Summary: Thoughts; Jack about Sam, Sam about Jack; and all of it condemned to 'that room.'
1. 01-01 Children of the Gods

**01-01 Children of the Gods**

[May 31, 2014]

**Jack**

Sleep eluded me.

I'd tossed and turned, tousling the bedding well into the new minutes of the next day.

I could hear Daniel shuffling about the house. But who could blame the guy, he'd just lost his wife, the love of his life – Sha're.

And I'd lost her brother, someone who was very important to me – more than I had realized, it seemed.

Skaara and Sha're were now in a place worse than death, trapped in their own bodies, powerless.

A shiver coursed though me at that thought. This was just too much to be thinking about in the dark, even for a bad-ass, black ops, full-bird colonel like me. No one should explore such visceral horrors at zero dark thirty.

My thoughts raced trying to get away from this ugly turn they had taken.

I smiled as my hopelessly disconnected thoughts bumped into that little verbal shoving match that had occurred before fetching Daniel back from Abydos.

Captain 'Sam' Carter, not doctor, thank you very much!

She'd done a pretty good job of chopping me down. Hell, of chopping down nearly everyone there. Can't blame her much, I've seen how women have been treated in this man's Air Force, especially blonde beauties like her. It's just that scientist thing that I found a little off putting.

Could I depend on her? Tough words and that boast about her Gulf War service hadn't convinced me that I could trust her to do her job as an Air Force officer.

But… that neat little trick of stringing out claymores on that ridge line wasn't too shabby.

It was her lack of hesitation about being the first to go though the 'gate, knowing full well that the iris might not be open on the other end; that… that changed my mind.

Sure she was a little too bright-eyed and wondering, yet she seemed capable of putting that scientist part of her aside to do what she needed to do for the team.

Maybe I could get her to explain things to me in words of two syllables or less? Was that asking too much?

Sleepily I snuggled down into the bed, a yawn caught me unawares.

Eyelids heavy with the onset of sleep, I watched as if dreaming, Captain Carter's utter delight at her first encounter with the active Stargate. How her whole face lit up in the wonder of it easing me finally into blessed slumber.

In the morning, I was shocked to remember that my last conscious thought was how hot she looked in that conference room as she staked out her territory, outnumbered eight to one.

Now that couldn't have been right. Could it?

**Sam**

Good thing I'm lying down, I'm sure I couldn't stand if I wanted to; my mind's a whirl of excitement.

Even now, at just after midnight, sleep just wasn't going to happen, too much to think about, to consider, to account for, to remember and relive.

I felt wonderful and stretched against the military style cot in my temporary quarters here at Stargate Command. The gloom of the concrete room held back by a Cold War Era desk lamp on some dark shape filling in for a bedside table.

I'd waited so long for this and it had happened!

I'd traveled through the Stargate. I'd even touched the event horizon as it shimmered and glowed.

Harmonious numbers and theory paled in the face of the beauty they attempted to predict. If only I could have done this sooner.

Uncomfortably I felt my face burn at remembering how I'd practically accused Colonel O'Neill of robbing me of going on that first mission through the Stargate, and of trying to prevent me from going on the second.

I had to admire the man his constraint, he had every right to slap me down right then and there. A lowly captain talking back to a full-bird colonel and two majors just wasn't done, but I'd done it. I deserved those snickers from Kawalsky and Ferretti for my brashness.

Surprisingly Colonel O'Neill silenced them with a hard glance as I proceeded to embarrass him before a room full of other officers, all of higher rank than myself.

It wasn't until later that I realized that I'd fought too hard. I was going by his reputation as a hard-ass; not by his reactions. I'd jumped on his understandable assumptions as if they were outright attacks against me. And he'd meekly submitted to my abuse.

And then he deflected my assault with a humorous claim that he liked women, but had a problem with scientists.

I should have apologized for my behavior. But all I did was promise him that I wouldn't let him down, almost as an afterthought. I was too busy drinking in the active wormhole. Through most of the mission I'd acted like a tourist, not an Air Force captain.

Our capture shook me out of that dangerous trend.

And I acquired a good example as to how an officer should conduct themselves. What Colonel O'Neill did to free those people was nothing short of magnificent. His compassion for their plight paled before his later anguish at losing the boy, Skaara.

That was the only time the Colonel had succumbed to distraction, unlike myself.

That incident show me that under his handsome and tough as nails exterior existed a sensitive human being.

I need to redeem myself in his eyes, he is worthy of my respect and trust. I have a lot to learn, one-hundred hours of flight time over a war zone doesn't compare to Colonel O'Neill's years of experience at face-to-face full-contact battle.

And Holy Hannah, he was so cute when all those refugees were kissing him.

Such an inappropriate thought had my face burning again.

He doesn't seem to be as big of a hard-ass as rumor paints him though. All the possibilities he represents just stokes my excitement higher.

I wonder if they'd let me set up a lab here?

Would they let me take one of those gate control devices apart?

Maybe I could take apart one of those weapons first.

Perhaps I could…

[to be continued]

Author's Note: Hopefully I'm not disappointing the shipper crowd with this ditty, but then I don't think Jack and Sam immediately fell for each other. This will be a long journey, one per episode would mean twenty-two of these per season, and there are ten seasons. You do the math.

I'm seeing this as a writing exercise, so, on occasion, I will abandon it temporarily for other stories that may cross my mind. Wish me luck. And I hope I've not bitten off more than I can write, or is that chew?

And, as always, I'm open to suggestions.


	2. 01-02 The Enemy Within

**01-02 The Enemy Within**

[July 6, 2014]

**Jack**

My booted feet landed square on the corner of the office desk despite the utter darkness of what hopefully looked like an office devoid of any occupant, especially this occupant. The prefect camouflage since there are dozens of empty dark offices and I've been rotating through them just to keep from being found since I returned. I was hoping that I was safe from interruption behind my current locked door. I was just too tired to crawl off to a cot, let alone drive all the way home.

Captain Carter made my little escape that was not an escape possible, this brief respite. She is working out well, and doing a bang-up job on getting the program moving forward. All she had needed was a little difference of scientific opinion to bump her onto the right track, and Daniel had done that neatly. After that almost fiery first meeting she did that little scientific hocus-pocus she seems to do so well to get the base computers to correct for thousands of years of stellar drift and they now routinely cranked out a couple new sets of gate addresses every week.

I stretched out and dropped my hands behind my neck and got more comfortable. My chair tilted backwards at what some might call an alarmingly degree and tilted right to that well known sweet spot that felt oh so good. I grinned at my act, long days of grueling practice just paid off. Thank goodness the Air Force loves uniformity in their furnishings; every one of their offices is a clone of any other office.

Carter had me worried after we got back from Chulak, after she and Daniel got all of those refugees sorted and sent out to the worlds they had been snatched from. All that excitement from before seemed to have been burned out of her; she became serious. Way too serious for my taste and she had worked too hard and too long.

So with Kowalski's help I tried to get her to lighten up by joking around during the mission assignment with the general. She almost grinned, then grimaced and almost laughed before the general expressed his displeasure at our antics.

Carter's contribution isn't just valuable to the program, she swiftly becoming invaluable to me. She has lifted some of the load off, taking on the duties that any good second would normally, and then some. Like the general said, she's smarter than me and she picked up on how everything operated here - and here is far from normal, by a long shot.

She and Daniel are even training the newly formed SG teams, and anyone else just plain interested that can wedge themselves into the room.

But she can't do everything, and I still have a big problem she can't help with: Teal'c. And how in Hell am I going to protect him from everyone else on my own planet? No one knows him like I do; I trust him with my life. I need to protect him from the scientific ghouls that only see an enemy, an animal, just a thing to dissect - over my dead body! Teal'c is not going to become an experiment for anyone - just little slices between two slips of glass.

Hammond is a stand-up guy about treating Teal'c right, but he has orders from higher up and he will obey them.

I barged in on that little interrogation that Kennedy had going with Hammond sitting in. I ran interference and became a distraction, trying to protect Teal'c; and even tried to shame the guy. Not that anyone could shame the disgraceful political element this branch of command is riddled with. Where ever there is a place where major gains - or major losses - exist, vermin like this thrive.

Carter's frantic orders over the PA let loose all hell. She sounded desperate, and I hate it when a team mate sounds like that. I didn't know what was happening, and I don't need to know anything except that she needed help.

Once I got to the site of action what I saw had me doubting my own eyes. Kawalsky had Carter in a death grip, her a hostage, my friend the hostage taker - so wrong on so many levels.

And just what to do? Rescue my friend or my teammate? What was going on?

I had to pick Kawalsky and hope he wasn't nuts enough to harm Carter. He just had to be okay. I could trust him with my life, have trusted him with my life and had no regrets.

What's wrong with him? Whatever it was, it was definitely more than headaches.

I needed to make sure Kawalsky wasn't pressed too close; no telling what he might do in his present state. He could hurt himself, Carter or someone else. I played interference, telling the SF's not to shoot and waved them back. I wanted Kawalsky and Carter both back in one piece.

Carter fought him, but Kawalsky was bigger and stronger than her, and I'm pretty sure he'd taken her by surprise.

Kawalsky dragged Carter into the elevator; I couldn't stop the doors from closing. My fingers still sting from losing skin from trying. They were headed up and I ran for the stairs to beat them to the next floor. There was a crowd around the elevator door on that floor where the elevator had stopped. Once again I strained to push my fingers between the doors, but this time I had help.

Inside Kawalsky was bent over Carter, and she'd slumped at the back of the car unconscious. What the Hell happened!

I jerked Charlie up and incredulously asked what was going on. He claimed not to know and that Carter was hurt bad.

I didn't know what to think, or to believe. Nothing was making sense.

We hauled them both to the infirmary.

Carter, she'd be okay - just a knock on the head.

Kawalsky – that was another matter entirely.

He had one of those parasites in him. An infant parasite that made him act nuts, vicious one minute and the same ol' Charlie I called my friend the next.

I had two big problems I had to solve at the same time. I couldn't give up on Kawalsky and I owed Teal'c big time.

Kennedy wanted to now take Kawalsky and his unwanted guest to study. That briefing with him was such a distasteful joke. It felt good to have my team there and feel their support. Carter piped right up regarding what Kennedy's agenda was. And what an agenda it was, it was sickening.

I don't know how I got so lucky; Carter was not one of those 'scientists' that left a vile taste in my mouth. She was turning out to be nothing like them. Yes, scientific-y, but Air Force, sensible and smarter than me by a long shot. I could see how Kennedy's idea turned her stomach as much as it did mine. I wasn't fighting this battle alone now.

Hammond ended Kennedy's hopes by showing him his clout was way bigger.

Teal'c turned out to be my ace in the hole in solving the problem that was Kawalsky, if I could prevent Kennedy from taking him. So far Hammond had stymied Kennedy at every turn, but that couldn't last, Kennedy had too many connections that were bigger than Hammond.

Just as it looked like Kawalsky was saved and recovering. Carter provided information that Kennedy now had orders to take Teal'c that Hammond couldn't fight. For being on the team such a short time she was showing the loyalty teammates needed to protect one another.

Then we learned a horrible truth about the Goa'uld; they were built like a missile - a delivery system and a warhead. The body removed at great risk to Kawalsky was just a husk, no longer needed by the little slug that was the warhead. And it resided in Kawalsky's brain, and it now had enough control to fool us all.

Kawalsky died as Teal'c held him back from the gate. As I personally ordered the gate shut down, a shutdown that took the back of Kawalsky's head off like a knife had sliced it.

Carter had to have felt awful to have been tricked by the Goa'uld that was in control of Kawalsky after we thought we had freed him. She'd innocently did as he asked and delivered Teal'c to him. The Goa'uld sealed his own death by not killing Teal'c.

I need to make sure she understands that none of this was her fault, she couldn't have known, none of us knew.

Teal'c's struggle with the Goa'uld at the open wormhole solved the Kawalsky problem and the Goa'uld problem. I still have nightmares about the solution and my part in it. I felt like I just stuck a knife in my own gut just doing it, but it had to be done. The only good that came from it was that it allowed Hammond to pull off a Hail Mary play with a call to the President. Kennedy was stopped, and Teal'c was safe from experimentation, from the scientific ghouls.

Our bonus to this way too steep learning curve was that Carter figured out that the parasite doesn't destroy the host. She gave Daniel hope of recovering Sha're, and gave me the same hope of getting Skaara back.

SG-1 was a team, and Teal'c was now part of it, thanks to Hammond. We were whole.

This waking nightmare had ended and I wondered if perhaps I could get some sleep, but decided against it. The horror was just too close and I knew that I never wanted what happened to my friend Charlie to ever happen to me, I'd prefer to die, at my own hand if necessary.

**Sam**

Colonel O'Neill does this every day? It's just not possible to have this much paperwork that needs approving, even at the level I can approve. He'd never get out his office otherwise.

Hmmm, maybe this is his way of learning this command? If he sees everything that comes and goes he'll know exactly what's here and probably where.

Exactly, there are the storage codes… and a map. Smart.

And that reminds me, just where is his office? Even Daniel has no clue where it is. And when I asked the colonel straight up he gave me a vague shrug and waved his arms in an all encompassing motion. I don't see it listed anywhere on the base map, though there seems to be plenty of unlabeled places.

I guess, in a way, anywhere and everywhere could very well be the answer. Any computer terminal will do for this kind of work.

Holy Hannah! Most of this is actually dates from before Colonel O'Neill's recall to active duty. Maybe the base is undermanned? That would explain the volume of work here; this is way beyond wanting to know as much as possible about one's command.

From a quick peek at the communication directory there aren't many personnel involved with logistics. That explains the constant long lines in the cafeteria and why there are so many small coffee pots everywhere.

This is a secret base, and up until just recently it was nothing more than a curious experiment. Now it's an active combat base, undermanned would be a given. Browsing through the digitized paperwork showed all kinds of incoming supplies and personnel.

Maybe he doesn't have an office?

Just because it feels like I've been here a month doesn't make time longer than the actual week I've been here. Colonel O'Neill has only been here a couple of days longer. Even accounting for the fact that he was stationed here over a year before still wouldn't give him much more insight into this base. And there's been a complete turnover of personnel during the mothballing process that happened from his first posting and now.

So strange; from the Pentagon to a secret bunker complex under a mountain in the blink of an eye, and I would never have figured out that the Stargate went so many places without Daniel's insight. With nothing working but the one address I was forced to believe it only went to one place.

Daniel and I have been so busy, first getting all of the refugees sorted out and getting information from them about their gate addresses and cultures. We worked nearly 24/7 getting that done. And in what little time I had from that and all the training needed for nearly everyone on the base, I got a program up and running, a conversion logarithm for the hundreds of gate addresses found on Abydos. Daniel provided me with page after page of them.

I don't think Daniel is sleeping much and, he confided the reason for it in the hallway right after Major Kawalsky showed up in the Embarkation Room; and right before…right before the major showed up in the control room.

My pulse and breath quickened at the memory.

That was an experience I'd never had before. A trusted comrade and superior suddenly acting like a terrorist, a hostage taker, a threat to my life even. He was strong, much stronger than he should have been. Even a bigger man could not have fought him off. I was like a rag doll in his arms, a complete and utter prisoner.

Colonel O'Neill's face was the only one I knew in the crowd of SF's all pointing weapons at us. He ordered them away. His usually impassive expression shouted confusion and disbelieve of the situation. I knew he and the major were old friends. For whom was he most concerned with?

Unfair, Sam; you know damned well how it would be if it were you in his place. Your concern would be for your friend first and your teammate second. Barely second that is, so close would be my concern for each. I could see it was the same for the colonel. He wanted both of us unharmed.

His concern for my wellbeing showed when he visited me in the infirmary while I was under observation for concussion. I could tell he was distracted. I'd heard all the rumors, and in this base, rumors are very accurate, too few people and no one else to gossip with. The colonel had a lot on his hands with his friend being inhabited by a larval Goa'uld and trying to prevent Teal'c from being taken from the base for study. But he showed up and he was concerned about me, he was concerned about a lot of things at the same time.

I wiggled out of the infirmary as fast as they'd let me and stepped in to take over as much of the colonel's workload as I could. I wanted him to be able to concentrate on his bigger priorities – Major Kawalsky and Teal'c. I wanted the same outcome the colonel did and this was something I could do to help.

I can't imagine what was going through the colonel's mind when they removed the Goa'uld from the major, and he expressed his worry that I would blame myself for delivering Teal'c to what turned out to be a Goa'uld, not Major Kawalsky. And then he was instrumental in killing his friend to prevent the Goa'uld from escaping through the Stargate.

Colonel O'Neill did the right thing, but I'm not sure he believes it.

Major Kawalsky's death was not in vain. We found out a lot about the mechanism of how a Goa'uld inhabits and controls a host. Most importantly we now know that the host survives the infestation. There is hope that Daniel's wife can be returned to him. There is hope that many hosts can be freed from their captivity. And that is what it is captivity, not death.

What's this? 'Captain Carter's Lab' popped out at me from one of the bills of lading. My face spilt into a grin when I saw that the colonel had authorized the shipment of equipment I had requested.

And in the blink of an eye, I was back in that conference room where Colonel O'Neill had softly laid his hand on my arm to make sure that I was doing okay being there so soon after the infirmary. His concerned touch sent a shiver up my spine. His eyes had a golden spark in them, something I've not seen before, they were beautiful and I could feel his warm soul heat my skin. I almost blushed.

I shook the memory away and dived into the records that scrolled across the screen. I was determined to be the best second the colonel had ever had. I now knew that I didn't need to prove myself because I was a woman, or even a scientist - we had a war to win.

[to be continued]

Author's Note: I had meant to have this done a month ago, but I also broke down and purchased a new car after deciding that I needed to replace my 24-year old truck. So I've been a tad preoccupied with figuring out the new car.

Thank you for all the reviews, especially the one on the 4th of July that kicked me back into getting this finished and actually getting a start on the next one.


End file.
